Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Instrumental Verses Non-Instrumental Churches
Today something has been on my mind. In all of the years I've been going to church, I have never participated in a church where we didn't have music or some type of musical instrument. All of the churches that I've been to have always had instruments. For the past eight months I have been attending a non-instrumental church. There is a big difference between the two. In my last church I really enjoyed praise and worship. We had musical instruments and everything. All of us enjoyed praising the Lord and doing it with all of our hearts. Every Sunday I've attended the non-instrumental church, I've found that people barely clap their hands. The majority of the congregation just sit and sing or just sit and watch. Many take that time for praise and worship to gossip about others in the church. During the service a lot of people are getting up to use the bathroom and it really distracts others. I feel like if you purposely get up and leave out of the sanctuary numerous of times, they shouldn't be allowed back in. It disrupts others from getting the message that they need to receive. My kids don't want to go back to the other church, but I believe I will be going back to my other church soon, unless the Lord tells me to stay. I will definitely pray about it.
Monday, February 20, 2012
The Consequences of Being a Single Mom
I had my first child when I was 19, my second when I was 20 and my third when I was 22. During the time of conceiving these children, I did have a significant other, which was the father of all of my children. He and I didn't get married, but we did do things as a couple. It wasn't the same as a marriage. Even though we had these children together, the main responsibilities were on me. I had to get up in the morning to get bottles ready (when I stopped breastfeeding), rock the babies back to sleep, change diapers and everything. Even though their father did some of those things, I still was a single parent. We didn't have a binding contract and he could come and go as he pleased, even though we lived together. The point I am trying to make is that you can't assume that a man is going to step up to be a dad just because you had a baby. That man will need to want to step up and be a man, be responsible and be an excellent parent.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
What I'm Doing For Valentines Day
I never thought that I would be the one who would want to stay out of a relationship. I never thought that I would ever take the risk and sit and be by myself, not receiving a Valentine's Day card or going on a date. I find myself alone on the approaching holiday and I am okay with it. I am not going to be sitting there watching a sad romantic love story or anything of that nature. I will buy small boxes of candy for my my kids and a card each for all three of them to read. I will be buying some pretty flowers for myself, candy and maybe a card to myself. I won't be alone because I will be having a dinner date with God and spending time with Him. I am going to enjoy spending time with Him, reading the word and listening to him speak to me. I will be listening to praise songs like I always do. I am committed to the Lord and I am not going to let any random guy throw me off my course that I am traveling on. No way! i am content with being single, even though I have a desire to be a wife one day. The Lord does things in his own timing. I'm okay with that but I am content in my singleness and working on doing what I need to do.
A Poem To The Captain Of My Soul
Thank you Lord for carrying me through and for all that you do. I know that there will be many who will get to know. I thank you for pulling me out of the darkness and into your marvelous light. Thank you for holding me through the painful, tearful and heartbreaking nights. I never have blamed my mistakes on you at all because there are times that I did purposely fall. The flesh got in the way of the right thing to do and the choice I made caused me to sin against you. I promise to honor You with my mind, body and soul for you are the one who loves me and has made me whole. All the hurt you replaced with peace and in You is the only place I'd rather be.
I know you love me and I love you, even though I know you are sending me a husband who loves you. No man will never come before you. You created me and I will always and forever will first honor you. My heart is in your hands and no man can take your place. A man can only provide so much but you give me amazing grace. I love you God and I am never alone because You are the one who makes my family's house a happy home. I love you.
Deliela Watkins
Why Having Children Outside of Marriage Isn't A Good Idea
I have three daughters. I had my first child at the age of 19, in which I would be 20 in that same year. She was born in May and I would be turn 20 that August. Having one child seemed to be okay, but you had the constant worry about who would watch her when you were at work. When I was 19, my ex-boyfriend went to jail for six months and I was left alone pregnant and raising a young baby by myself. It was terrible. I was very cynical when it came to babysitters. I even stop taking my daughter to one sitter because she smoked. I couldn't believe that she had smoked around the baby. The sitter before her was impatient with my daughter and always cried. She didn't seem happy to be in daughter's presence and vice-versa. I found another sitter for her to go to. None of the sitters I bumped into weren't the right ones. By the time I got tired of switching from sitter to sitter, I had my second daughter in June of that year and had to find someone to take both of my daughters. I didn't have a car at the time and she was even nice enough to drop me off at the bus stop so I could take the bus to work and she would take the kids to her house. She was nice but her nephew wanted to scratch one of my daughters. We had a discussion about it and it really wasn't an issue after that. Their father came home that November and I was happy that she didn't have to babysit for them anymore. I got pregnant again that same year and had my youngest daughter the following year, 2002. That same year I felt I was on my own, even though I had a live-in boyfriend (also known as baby daddy), but it wasn't the same and not God's way. For the past almost 12 years, I have been a single parent. Anyone who is thinking about having children out of wedlock, I would suggest put the brakes on that idea and wait until you get married. Wait until you have someone in your life who truly loves you and really wants to marry you and be with you. Don't be like me and spend six years with someone who was not a Christian and not wanting to follow God's principles. Being a single parent is extremely hard. I have to be a cook, the housekeeper, the baker, the nurse, the doctor, the chauffeur, the lawyer, the authoritative figure, work, the bill payer, etc. I am required to be the mother and father in their lives because their father knows nothing about truly being a parent. It is not the strength coming from me that is holding everything together. It is the strength of the Lord and the Holy Spirit leading me and guiding me. When I was riding on the bus, I used to see many young teenagers on the bus, taking their young babies to daycare before they went to school. Some people think that it is cute to see these type of things going on, but I don't. It is not cute and most likely the father of that baby isn't involved the way he should be, unless he is an exceptional teenage boy. More than likely the girl and boy will not be together in the future and will move on with other people in relationships.
In closing, I would like to say if you don't have kids right now and not married, that is good. That way you don't have to go through what I'm dealing with right now. This is a rough journey, but God is carrying me through and has always provided for us. God bless you and thanks for reading. :0)
*I am not judging. I am making a point it is best to wait until marriage.
*I am not judging. I am making a point it is best to wait until marriage.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
My Testimony
I was inspired to share my testimony when I read one of my sisters in Christ's testimonies. I decided to be obedient and do what I feel I should do.
People say that parents are to stand up and protect their children, but all of them never do. My mother had gotten fed up with her abusive boyfriend and decided to leave him. We were all happy when she did. We moved to the other side of the city into a two bedroom house. My mother wasn't one who wanted to be alone for too much. When I was eight, my mother started dating this man. He seemed to be okay. He had bought a Christmas tree for her. I take it for all of us. We were grateful for it. He got mad at my mom and he took it back. Anyway..she still stayed with this man. My mom would let him stay over our house and I didn't like it. I started not to like him. It was something about him that I couldn't put my finger on. As a child, I just had a feeling about certain people. I didn't have a good feeling about him. My mom had taken me and my two brothers over to his house so she could spend time with him. He had got a teddy bear and gave it to me. I never asked for it and I don't know why he gave it to me. The next day I was outside with it and my friend Cary said it was her bear. We found out that he had stole the bear out of her house. I was upset but it was given back to her. He was trying to bait me. We went home. My mom (that same week) took us back over to his house. I told her that I didn't want to go to his house and I wanted to stay home. She didn't listen to me. We stayed the night. I was sleep and I woke up to my mom and her boyfriend going into the kitchen. I wasn't sure what they got out of the kitchen but I watched them as they went back into his bedroom. My brothers and I slept by the front door on the twin bed he had by the door. I fell back to sleep and I woke to his hand inside my underwear and he put his finger into my vaginal . I pushed his hand away from me and yelled and he went back into his room. I was shocked and that is when I woke my brothers up. I waited to make sure he didn't come back out and we left that night. We walked to my dad and my stepmom's house. I couldn't stay there knowing that he had done that to me. I didn't tell my mother that I left neither. This man was crazy for doing something like that. I didn't tell nobody right away. I told my stepmom the following year. I didn't know how to tell anyone about it at the time. I stayed at my stepmom and dad's house from then on. When I opened up to my stepmother, she went to question my mother. My mom didn't even want to give any information on him, as if she was protecting him or something. Luckily I knew his name and everything. My stepmom went and pressed charges. That same year of pressing charges, we found out that he had been placed in a mental institution. It seems like once this happened to me, my mind became the devil's playground. I didn't smile and I had a lot of hate to build up inside of me. That secret I was keeping had destroyed and drained joy out of me. I was hurting inside. It was terrible. By this happening to me, it had gnawed on my self-esteem. I had finally told my mother after years of not living with her that her ex had molested me and that he stuck his finger inside me. She didn't believe me at all! She acted as if it wasn't nothing. I was crushed. We never had a close mother/daughter relationship. She didn't even stand up for me. I didn't care anything for myself. I had such low self-esteem. I used to think I was ugly because I thought I was fat and I wore glasses. I didn't really get attention from the guys the way others did.I lost my virginity at 16 to someone who never loved or deeply cared for me. I got tired of sleeping with me and not valuing me so I cut off the sex completely. The following month I was enrolled into Grand Rapids Job Corps Center. I wasn't doing well in school, except in the subjects that I enjoyed. I didn't want to go but I was forced to and my stepmother was insisting that it would be something structured. Well. I started my life at Job Corps in February of 1997. I was 16 and was going to be 17 that year. My stepmom told me to give the program a week. If I didn't like it then I could return home. Well. I met a guy named James from Detroit and he actually was my real first boyfriend. The one who I shared my first time with was someone I knew for a long time, but he didn't care deeply for me even though I did for him. I felt comfortable giving myself to him at the time because I knew him since childhood. We started "dating" and it was okay. I didn't know anything about relationships at the time. I went to church before I went to Job Corps and I continued to go when I had the chance. This guy I first dated at school had just turned 20 and I was 16.He had already had a child and I didn't have any kids at the time. I never thought that I would have dated someone who was an adult and I still was a teenager. Well. I went with the flow and started another sexual relationship. I didn't use to skip school when I was home, but I started skipping school to hang out with my boyfriend. He was the jealous type and he used to accuse me of checking out other guys when I never did. That same day he tried to choke me and I stopped him and ran upstairs to my floor. I couldn't believe that he had done that. I stayed upstairs for the rest of the night. When I look back we were complete opposites. I went to church and he didn't. He smoked cigarettes and weed and like to drink at times. I didn't drink or smoke and I really didn't do as much cursing as he did. He saw me the next day and apologized for what he did. I decided that I was going to forgive him and nothing like that happened again. The next thing I know he claimed that I did the same thing that he claimed I did before and he shoved me against the wall. I didn't know what was wrong with him. I guess at the time he was insecure about himself and the way he looked. Well. Still stayed. People used to get random drug tests done at Job Corps and he was one of them. He didn't pass it and he was terminated from the program. I was heartbroken by it because I thought I loved him. Once he left from Job Corps, he didn't call for a week. I was wondering what had happened. Finally he called. We corresponded and when I couldn't handle being alone, I wrote him a break up note and moved on into another relationship fast due to my low self-esteem. I was looking for value in men, but it had always failed. James and I had only dated 4 months. Started dating Micah and it lasted for a short time. We were in the same age group and we didn't last long. I didn't want to be alone. Another sex partner gained and I moved on from it. Started dating another guy and nothing didn't happen. We just remained friends. In October of 1997, I started dating Henry (the father of my 3 daughters). He seemed nice and I was told that he liked me but I was trying to be by myself and wasn't sure about getting involved with someone else. We had went out on a couple of dates and I really liked him because he was sweet and nice. There was another guy who liked me, but Henry won me over. We spent anytime we had together. I fell for him fast and the relationship was different than any of the others I had been in. We went on dates and we took walks in the park and did things, along with going to church. He even took me to the mosque and I had stopped eating pork to please him. I was 17 and he was to be 20 the following month. When I was at Job Corps, I had obtained two different trades, which was Optical Dispensing and Business/Clerical. He had did the same trade. I also had obtained my GED and graduated from Grand Rapids Public Schools for my high school diploma. The following year he had been released from the program due to him being at another Job Corps in Indiana. I was very upset by that. He was the love of my life and now I was alone again. I didn't dump him and he didn't dump me neither. July of 1998 he left. I went to Indiana to visit him and I was so happy to see him. I cried the whole way back to Job Corps I left in August and I went back home to Midland, Michigan. I had turned 18 on August 23rd of 1998. On August 30th, I moved to Cincinnati to be with Henry. He had moved from Indiana to stay with friends and they were okay with me staying there with him. A month later we got our own place and that is where the shacking came into place. We didn't think that we were doing anything wrong, even though our parents thought it wasn't a good idea. We wanted to be together and it didn't matter what they thought. I wanted to be with him and he wanted to be with me. That bond at the time was too strong to be broken. He wanted a baby and I wasn't sure about having one. I was on birth control at school and wasn't sure whether I could get pregnant or not. I started taking folic acid and I got pregnant. I didn't know I was pregnant until October of 1999. I was happy and so was he. In May of 2001, we welcomed Quayla May Caston into our world by c-section. She was beautiful and we loved her. She was beautiful. She had the prettiest eyes. He enjoyed being a father and things seemed great. Unfortunately things took a turn for the worst. I guess he thought that he wasn't getting as much attention with me having the baby or something. I found out that he was out and he was seeing other women behind my back. I was heartbroken and I couldn't understand why. I cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, took care of the baby and did everything I thought a girlfriend needed to do. It just broke my heart to find out something like that. Not only did he start cheating, he also became physically abusive. He got mad about something one day and started choking me while I was holding the baby. He started becoming someone that I didn't know. He started going out to the clubs, staying the night with girls and everything. My heart was smashed to pieces and my world started falling apart. He just started disrespecting me. He would go out with girls and tell me what he did with them and some of them would call the house and everything. I stayed with him in spite of all of this. Later on that year he had went to jail due to a felonious assault charge on this guy and he served six months in jail. I had my second daughter by c-section alone in 2001. I visited him in jail and I paid the bills while he was in there. I had to move from our place because it was a one bedroom and found an apartment in Mount Airy. It was a two bedroom apartment and it was enough room for me and the kids. That November he was released. I thought that thing s would be different and we could start fresh, but he went back to his old ways. I got pregnant that same month that he got out of jail. He started cheating again and he started the cheating cycle all over again. He would get angry when he couldn't get out to go cheat. He would degrade me and call me all kinds of names. He was abusive to me while I was pregnant with my second and third daughter. He had picked me up one day from school and he told me to adjust one of babies head in the back seat.. He said that one of the babies heads had leaned over incorrectly. Before I knew it, he had punched me in the face. My nose had swollen up and blood came out of my nose and mouth. I started crying. He said that he was gonna pull over and finish the job. He had turned the corner and I jumped out of the car and rolled. I landed on the side of my stomach. I was checking to see if my baby was okay. She was still kicking. I got back into the car and a lady wanted to know if I wanted her to call for help. I said no. He called me all kind of names that no woman should be called. He took us home, called me another name and slammed the door. I started crying and I went into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror. I had a swollen nose and two black eyes. Both of my eyes were swollen shut. I called my job (I used to work at Fifth Third Bank) and told him I wouldn't be in. I called the police on him and he was arrested but let out on an OR bond. My life had truly taken a turn for the worst. I couldn't believe it. He started hanging out with his friends and girls started calling the house. The month I went in to have my scheduled c-section, I had to catch the bus to the hospital and he didn't take me. My mother kept my other two kids at my house. He decided to come to the hospital to be with me during the surgery, but once they moved me to the recovery room, he left. I didn't see him again until it was time to leave the hospital. All the time I was in the hospital, he was cheating and met a girl who he kept constantly cheating on me with. I had three kids and the man didn't care nothing about me. I never thought that the kids would make him stay at all. I wanted him to love me. I did everything I could do. I prayed and things just got worse. I got tired of all the cheating, lying and manipulation and all of the disrespect. In June of 2003, I kicked him out and ended the relationship. He would stay gone for days and come and go when he felt like it. He would walk in the house as if I wasn't there. I was done. I had to stand up for me and my kids. I moved out of my second apartment I had lived in August of 2003. I moved to the other side of town and Henry moved to Kentucky to be with this other chick. I didn't care and I was glad to be done with him. All he did was hurt and disrespect me and he didn't want to respect and love me the way I thought I should be loved. I got another boyfriend, but when it boiled down to it, he wasn't really a boyfriend. Nobody in the neighborhood knew that we were dating or anything. I met someone else and i dumped him. I got tired of the games he was playing. I was 23 at the time and he was 21. He was too immature and didn't want to change his ways until it was too late. He didn't like the idea of me already having kids and I had to get rid of him. He didn't respect us neither. I started dating Michael and he seemed like he was established and he seemed to be okay. He was nice and did things for me and my kids. He kept asking me out to spend time with him and I kept saying no way.I thought was in his late thirties and he turned out to me much older than I was. I jumped from relationship to relationship. I stayed with him for five years and the relationship went as far as it could go. I moved on and got into another relationship a month later. That relationship lasted two years and I had met Damian in my church. He seemed nice but things became problematic in that relationship. He was a big liar and would talk to other girls on Facebook, He would play too many mind games and I got tired of all of the lies he would tell, especially when I had proof. He seemed to not think that nothing was wrong with the way he did things, but I begged to differ. I found out he had gone to strip clubs and watching pornography. I was purely disgusted and lost respect for him. I told him how wrong it was and he didn't think it wasn't anything wrong with it. I started decreasing the time that I would spend with him and he would wonder why I wouldn't want him to visit me. He would go to the library and look at porn there too. I was sick to my stomach at the idea. The relationship ended . I put a profile on a dating site and I met him. He seem to be a nice guy only to find out that he was a trick from the enemy. He said everything that a woman would want to hear plus some. We had decent conversations over the phone. I fell into the devil's trap and my heart was broken again. I hated the idea of feeling rejected after giving myself to someone I had developed feelings for. It was a pain in your heart that you feel and never want to feel again. This past experience (which I posted in here already) was a wake up call to stop looking for love in others and to look for love from the Lord. I went into a state of depression and I had to call my stepmother at work to pray for me and my dad to pray for me too. I felt like the devil was sitting on my back, telling me to stay down, you're nothing and you're not going to give up. I started crying out to the Lord and told him that I needed my heart to be healed from rejected and to please heal me. Take the pain away and restore me. I started back reading the Word of God and praying to Him, telling him how apologetic for sinning against Him. I told him I knew what I did was wrong. God healed my heart and He lifted the burden and restored my self-worth. I took an oath to not sleep with another man unless I was married and with my husband. Just started feeding my spirit and praying over my life. I even prayed for the person who last hurt me. I decided to stop sleeping around with these randoms and truly honor God with my body. My choices I made in my life come from me not having self-worth and what happened early in my life affected me as well. I thank God for bringing me through everything and for loving me the way He loves me, in spite of everything that I've done. I've been through a lot and I just made this short because it is already long to read. I felt lead to write this in hopes to help and encourage someone else. I am not going to be ashamed of my past, even though I regret many of my decisions. I can't focus on that but I must move forward. These are the consequences of living outside of the will of God. I am now in a place where God wants me to be. Never try to find your value and self-worth in men or anyone else. Your true self-worth is found in God. In spite of anything you have gone through, you are still worth the wait. I am too.God bless you all.
People say that parents are to stand up and protect their children, but all of them never do. My mother had gotten fed up with her abusive boyfriend and decided to leave him. We were all happy when she did. We moved to the other side of the city into a two bedroom house. My mother wasn't one who wanted to be alone for too much. When I was eight, my mother started dating this man. He seemed to be okay. He had bought a Christmas tree for her. I take it for all of us. We were grateful for it. He got mad at my mom and he took it back. Anyway..she still stayed with this man. My mom would let him stay over our house and I didn't like it. I started not to like him. It was something about him that I couldn't put my finger on. As a child, I just had a feeling about certain people. I didn't have a good feeling about him. My mom had taken me and my two brothers over to his house so she could spend time with him. He had got a teddy bear and gave it to me. I never asked for it and I don't know why he gave it to me. The next day I was outside with it and my friend Cary said it was her bear. We found out that he had stole the bear out of her house. I was upset but it was given back to her. He was trying to bait me. We went home. My mom (that same week) took us back over to his house. I told her that I didn't want to go to his house and I wanted to stay home. She didn't listen to me. We stayed the night. I was sleep and I woke up to my mom and her boyfriend going into the kitchen. I wasn't sure what they got out of the kitchen but I watched them as they went back into his bedroom. My brothers and I slept by the front door on the twin bed he had by the door. I fell back to sleep and I woke to his hand inside my underwear and he put his finger into my vaginal . I pushed his hand away from me and yelled and he went back into his room. I was shocked and that is when I woke my brothers up. I waited to make sure he didn't come back out and we left that night. We walked to my dad and my stepmom's house. I couldn't stay there knowing that he had done that to me. I didn't tell my mother that I left neither. This man was crazy for doing something like that. I didn't tell nobody right away. I told my stepmom the following year. I didn't know how to tell anyone about it at the time. I stayed at my stepmom and dad's house from then on. When I opened up to my stepmother, she went to question my mother. My mom didn't even want to give any information on him, as if she was protecting him or something. Luckily I knew his name and everything. My stepmom went and pressed charges. That same year of pressing charges, we found out that he had been placed in a mental institution. It seems like once this happened to me, my mind became the devil's playground. I didn't smile and I had a lot of hate to build up inside of me. That secret I was keeping had destroyed and drained joy out of me. I was hurting inside. It was terrible. By this happening to me, it had gnawed on my self-esteem. I had finally told my mother after years of not living with her that her ex had molested me and that he stuck his finger inside me. She didn't believe me at all! She acted as if it wasn't nothing. I was crushed. We never had a close mother/daughter relationship. She didn't even stand up for me. I didn't care anything for myself. I had such low self-esteem. I used to think I was ugly because I thought I was fat and I wore glasses. I didn't really get attention from the guys the way others did.I lost my virginity at 16 to someone who never loved or deeply cared for me. I got tired of sleeping with me and not valuing me so I cut off the sex completely. The following month I was enrolled into Grand Rapids Job Corps Center. I wasn't doing well in school, except in the subjects that I enjoyed. I didn't want to go but I was forced to and my stepmother was insisting that it would be something structured. Well. I started my life at Job Corps in February of 1997. I was 16 and was going to be 17 that year. My stepmom told me to give the program a week. If I didn't like it then I could return home. Well. I met a guy named James from Detroit and he actually was my real first boyfriend. The one who I shared my first time with was someone I knew for a long time, but he didn't care deeply for me even though I did for him. I felt comfortable giving myself to him at the time because I knew him since childhood. We started "dating" and it was okay. I didn't know anything about relationships at the time. I went to church before I went to Job Corps and I continued to go when I had the chance. This guy I first dated at school had just turned 20 and I was 16.He had already had a child and I didn't have any kids at the time. I never thought that I would have dated someone who was an adult and I still was a teenager. Well. I went with the flow and started another sexual relationship. I didn't use to skip school when I was home, but I started skipping school to hang out with my boyfriend. He was the jealous type and he used to accuse me of checking out other guys when I never did. That same day he tried to choke me and I stopped him and ran upstairs to my floor. I couldn't believe that he had done that. I stayed upstairs for the rest of the night. When I look back we were complete opposites. I went to church and he didn't. He smoked cigarettes and weed and like to drink at times. I didn't drink or smoke and I really didn't do as much cursing as he did. He saw me the next day and apologized for what he did. I decided that I was going to forgive him and nothing like that happened again. The next thing I know he claimed that I did the same thing that he claimed I did before and he shoved me against the wall. I didn't know what was wrong with him. I guess at the time he was insecure about himself and the way he looked. Well. Still stayed. People used to get random drug tests done at Job Corps and he was one of them. He didn't pass it and he was terminated from the program. I was heartbroken by it because I thought I loved him. Once he left from Job Corps, he didn't call for a week. I was wondering what had happened. Finally he called. We corresponded and when I couldn't handle being alone, I wrote him a break up note and moved on into another relationship fast due to my low self-esteem. I was looking for value in men, but it had always failed. James and I had only dated 4 months. Started dating Micah and it lasted for a short time. We were in the same age group and we didn't last long. I didn't want to be alone. Another sex partner gained and I moved on from it. Started dating another guy and nothing didn't happen. We just remained friends. In October of 1997, I started dating Henry (the father of my 3 daughters). He seemed nice and I was told that he liked me but I was trying to be by myself and wasn't sure about getting involved with someone else. We had went out on a couple of dates and I really liked him because he was sweet and nice. There was another guy who liked me, but Henry won me over. We spent anytime we had together. I fell for him fast and the relationship was different than any of the others I had been in. We went on dates and we took walks in the park and did things, along with going to church. He even took me to the mosque and I had stopped eating pork to please him. I was 17 and he was to be 20 the following month. When I was at Job Corps, I had obtained two different trades, which was Optical Dispensing and Business/Clerical. He had did the same trade. I also had obtained my GED and graduated from Grand Rapids Public Schools for my high school diploma. The following year he had been released from the program due to him being at another Job Corps in Indiana. I was very upset by that. He was the love of my life and now I was alone again. I didn't dump him and he didn't dump me neither. July of 1998 he left. I went to Indiana to visit him and I was so happy to see him. I cried the whole way back to Job Corps I left in August and I went back home to Midland, Michigan. I had turned 18 on August 23rd of 1998. On August 30th, I moved to Cincinnati to be with Henry. He had moved from Indiana to stay with friends and they were okay with me staying there with him. A month later we got our own place and that is where the shacking came into place. We didn't think that we were doing anything wrong, even though our parents thought it wasn't a good idea. We wanted to be together and it didn't matter what they thought. I wanted to be with him and he wanted to be with me. That bond at the time was too strong to be broken. He wanted a baby and I wasn't sure about having one. I was on birth control at school and wasn't sure whether I could get pregnant or not. I started taking folic acid and I got pregnant. I didn't know I was pregnant until October of 1999. I was happy and so was he. In May of 2001, we welcomed Quayla May Caston into our world by c-section. She was beautiful and we loved her. She was beautiful. She had the prettiest eyes. He enjoyed being a father and things seemed great. Unfortunately things took a turn for the worst. I guess he thought that he wasn't getting as much attention with me having the baby or something. I found out that he was out and he was seeing other women behind my back. I was heartbroken and I couldn't understand why. I cooked, cleaned, washed clothes, took care of the baby and did everything I thought a girlfriend needed to do. It just broke my heart to find out something like that. Not only did he start cheating, he also became physically abusive. He got mad about something one day and started choking me while I was holding the baby. He started becoming someone that I didn't know. He started going out to the clubs, staying the night with girls and everything. My heart was smashed to pieces and my world started falling apart. He just started disrespecting me. He would go out with girls and tell me what he did with them and some of them would call the house and everything. I stayed with him in spite of all of this. Later on that year he had went to jail due to a felonious assault charge on this guy and he served six months in jail. I had my second daughter by c-section alone in 2001. I visited him in jail and I paid the bills while he was in there. I had to move from our place because it was a one bedroom and found an apartment in Mount Airy. It was a two bedroom apartment and it was enough room for me and the kids. That November he was released. I thought that thing s would be different and we could start fresh, but he went back to his old ways. I got pregnant that same month that he got out of jail. He started cheating again and he started the cheating cycle all over again. He would get angry when he couldn't get out to go cheat. He would degrade me and call me all kinds of names. He was abusive to me while I was pregnant with my second and third daughter. He had picked me up one day from school and he told me to adjust one of babies head in the back seat.. He said that one of the babies heads had leaned over incorrectly. Before I knew it, he had punched me in the face. My nose had swollen up and blood came out of my nose and mouth. I started crying. He said that he was gonna pull over and finish the job. He had turned the corner and I jumped out of the car and rolled. I landed on the side of my stomach. I was checking to see if my baby was okay. She was still kicking. I got back into the car and a lady wanted to know if I wanted her to call for help. I said no. He called me all kind of names that no woman should be called. He took us home, called me another name and slammed the door. I started crying and I went into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror. I had a swollen nose and two black eyes. Both of my eyes were swollen shut. I called my job (I used to work at Fifth Third Bank) and told him I wouldn't be in. I called the police on him and he was arrested but let out on an OR bond. My life had truly taken a turn for the worst. I couldn't believe it. He started hanging out with his friends and girls started calling the house. The month I went in to have my scheduled c-section, I had to catch the bus to the hospital and he didn't take me. My mother kept my other two kids at my house. He decided to come to the hospital to be with me during the surgery, but once they moved me to the recovery room, he left. I didn't see him again until it was time to leave the hospital. All the time I was in the hospital, he was cheating and met a girl who he kept constantly cheating on me with. I had three kids and the man didn't care nothing about me. I never thought that the kids would make him stay at all. I wanted him to love me. I did everything I could do. I prayed and things just got worse. I got tired of all the cheating, lying and manipulation and all of the disrespect. In June of 2003, I kicked him out and ended the relationship. He would stay gone for days and come and go when he felt like it. He would walk in the house as if I wasn't there. I was done. I had to stand up for me and my kids. I moved out of my second apartment I had lived in August of 2003. I moved to the other side of town and Henry moved to Kentucky to be with this other chick. I didn't care and I was glad to be done with him. All he did was hurt and disrespect me and he didn't want to respect and love me the way I thought I should be loved. I got another boyfriend, but when it boiled down to it, he wasn't really a boyfriend. Nobody in the neighborhood knew that we were dating or anything. I met someone else and i dumped him. I got tired of the games he was playing. I was 23 at the time and he was 21. He was too immature and didn't want to change his ways until it was too late. He didn't like the idea of me already having kids and I had to get rid of him. He didn't respect us neither. I started dating Michael and he seemed like he was established and he seemed to be okay. He was nice and did things for me and my kids. He kept asking me out to spend time with him and I kept saying no way.I thought was in his late thirties and he turned out to me much older than I was. I jumped from relationship to relationship. I stayed with him for five years and the relationship went as far as it could go. I moved on and got into another relationship a month later. That relationship lasted two years and I had met Damian in my church. He seemed nice but things became problematic in that relationship. He was a big liar and would talk to other girls on Facebook, He would play too many mind games and I got tired of all of the lies he would tell, especially when I had proof. He seemed to not think that nothing was wrong with the way he did things, but I begged to differ. I found out he had gone to strip clubs and watching pornography. I was purely disgusted and lost respect for him. I told him how wrong it was and he didn't think it wasn't anything wrong with it. I started decreasing the time that I would spend with him and he would wonder why I wouldn't want him to visit me. He would go to the library and look at porn there too. I was sick to my stomach at the idea. The relationship ended . I put a profile on a dating site and I met him. He seem to be a nice guy only to find out that he was a trick from the enemy. He said everything that a woman would want to hear plus some. We had decent conversations over the phone. I fell into the devil's trap and my heart was broken again. I hated the idea of feeling rejected after giving myself to someone I had developed feelings for. It was a pain in your heart that you feel and never want to feel again. This past experience (which I posted in here already) was a wake up call to stop looking for love in others and to look for love from the Lord. I went into a state of depression and I had to call my stepmother at work to pray for me and my dad to pray for me too. I felt like the devil was sitting on my back, telling me to stay down, you're nothing and you're not going to give up. I started crying out to the Lord and told him that I needed my heart to be healed from rejected and to please heal me. Take the pain away and restore me. I started back reading the Word of God and praying to Him, telling him how apologetic for sinning against Him. I told him I knew what I did was wrong. God healed my heart and He lifted the burden and restored my self-worth. I took an oath to not sleep with another man unless I was married and with my husband. Just started feeding my spirit and praying over my life. I even prayed for the person who last hurt me. I decided to stop sleeping around with these randoms and truly honor God with my body. My choices I made in my life come from me not having self-worth and what happened early in my life affected me as well. I thank God for bringing me through everything and for loving me the way He loves me, in spite of everything that I've done. I've been through a lot and I just made this short because it is already long to read. I felt lead to write this in hopes to help and encourage someone else. I am not going to be ashamed of my past, even though I regret many of my decisions. I can't focus on that but I must move forward. These are the consequences of living outside of the will of God. I am now in a place where God wants me to be. Never try to find your value and self-worth in men or anyone else. Your true self-worth is found in God. In spite of anything you have gone through, you are still worth the wait. I am too.God bless you all.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Words of Encouragement For The Single Ladies In Waiting
I know for a fact that God hasn't forgotten about us. We are His daughters. I don't think that we should be jealous of anyone who gets engaged and/or married before us. I think that we should be happy for them. It is not even to be envious towards them. It is better to congratulate and share in the happiness of the other person. When I read of women being engaged, meeting their future spouse and getting married, I rejoice right along with them and share their excitement. What's the sense of being jealous of something that will soon happen for you? I used to be that way but I truly have a completely different perspective and attitude. I just want to let you know that God is still in the blessing business. Our job at this time of singleness is to keep our eyes on God and doing the work for Him. That work may involve volunteering to serve at soup kitchens and feeding the poor, as well as sharing your testimony to help someone else. You can also volunteer at your church as a teacher or an assistant in a Sunday school class. There are a lot of things to do in our time of waiting. When we get busy with God's business, He will be sure to take care of our business.There is nothing wrong with being single. It is just wrong to be in a relationship that doesn't have God's approval, full of sin and out of His will. Remove the wrong man and wait for the right man.
Keep the faith and trust the Lord wholeheartedly. God loves you all.
Keep the faith and trust the Lord wholeheartedly. God loves you all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)